Ode to Pewfell - Part 1
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The crafty Goddess Hornbag
Hath captured Bish's soul.
She rescued him (and Pewfell too)
But dropped them in a hole.
She sent them to a crazy land
In which the sky is red.
Good Bish saith they have ended up
Inside the Demon's head.
Meanwhile Lady Tina
And a small disgruntled gnome
Do buckle on their armour -
They will fight to save their home.
Our Bish doth wear a grand fig leaf
Held on with magic arts,
Whilst he and Pewfell sail aloft
In bubbles formed by farts.
The bubbles drop them upside down
Into a purple land.
The noble flying slugs arrive -
Great Hornbag has it planned!
They meet their brother Baa-lan
On the apex of the spire.
He stays behind while they go on
To face the demon's ire.
And as for what will happen next
This poet hath no clue.
She waits most keenly for next week
And hopes that so do you.
Now Bish and Pewfell carry on,
Escape a fruitless wish,
For lo it seems they find themselves
Inside a jellyfish!
Tina, Gnoma and the crew
Fly up to meet their doom.
O, death is surely certain
In the face of Demon Crwm!
Our heroes find themselves
Upon a steamy jungle shore.
Although good Bish is happy,
Pewfell's sunburn is quite sore.
His fury is arous'ed
When the cleric makes it plain
That he need not have gone naked
Nor have suffered from the pain.
But Bish, it seems, is quite content
To travel in the nude.
Tis truly an intriguing thing -
I'd thought the man a prude!
Pewfell, clad in orange shorts,
Espies among the trees
Fantastic fruits of divers kind.
He'd like to eat them, please!
Bish doth warn the turgid grapes
May not be what they seem.
After all, the Plains of Oss
Are like some frightful dream.
It seems Bish is correct again,
For lo - a loud Kersplatch!
The grapes discharge a vile black tar
And make a stench to match.
So Pewfell washes off the tar
Whilst Bish stands deep in thought.
He seeks a key, a road, a way
A door, or teleport.
As no such thing presents itself
It seems to him quite plain
The great Goddess decrees that he
Must pause and use his brain.
Pewfell has no interest
In such matters contemplative
For he himself has found - behold! -
A cute and yellow native.
While Pewfell thinks the natives sweet
It's clear they don't agree.
They show their many sharp white teeth
Methinks it's time to flee!
And so, like Rincewind, Pewfell runs,
The natives giving chase
We doubt that they will catch him, though -
He sets a cracking pace.
Til o'er the sea the road's end comes -
A grey outcropping lump.
Bold Bish, he plans to stand and fight
But Pewfell makes him jump!
Our heroes fall, as one expects
From leaping up on high.
The only strange thing is that they
Fall *up* - into the sky!
They leave the island world behind
And fly off into space.
No doubt, from what we've seen so far,
Into a stranger place.
The Heart of Crwm was in the world -
The stone of some great peach,
But Crwm arrives to snatch them up
And soon it's out of reach!
Heroic Bish will give his life
That Pewfell may be free.
But Pewfell loves his friend too well
To leave him there and flee.
So Bish and Pewfell captured
In the slimy demon's mind
Await their doom - it seems to me
They're in a frightful bind!
But Bish, of course, looks forward
Unafraid of what will be.
A martyr, he'll achieve a kind of
Immortality.
Tina, too, is captured
In the raging demon's arms
No weapon now can save them
Nor a spell nor magic charms.
But Gnoma has a weapon
She can use against the beast
It's one not even Tina
Had expected in the least.
She opes her mouth and gives a song -
A loud discordant tune.
It seems like to topple Tina,
Not to mention Demon Crwm!
And so the dreadful din rings out.
The beast can't bear it, see?
He writhes in pain, his arms let go,
Our heroes now are free!
And Pewfell snatches Crwm's dark heart
Whilst Bish looks on with pride.
Bold Tina guides her wyvern in -
It seems they've turned the tide!
Brave Tina takes a flying leap
A-brandishing her sword.
She opens Crwm's big central eye
Inside - a great reward!
"Pewfell's back!" she cries with glee
And hugs him to her breast.
Our sunburned hero seems quite dazed-
Methinks he needs a rest.
Beneath the steaming carcass
Of the now-defeated beast
A crowd surrounds the heroes
Rather large, to say the least.
While Gnoma offers autographs
(Would anyone request?)
Bish, still clad in birthday suit,
Puts Crwm under arrest.
And Pewfell tells his story
To the journos standing by
Whilst overhead the golden sun
Lights up the morning sky.
But Pewfell still has one more task
Before his quest is done,
As Tina wants the Heart of Crwm
That sparkles in the sun.
Pewfell gives it up with glee
But Gnoma's not so glad.
She wants a present too, you see,
She feels like she's been had.
Our wizard *does* have something
In his pocket from the road
A quite familar purple fruit -
Hoorah - it doth explode!
So Gnoma gets her dues at last,
That sneaking plotting wench - hah!
Now Bish and Pewfell've made it home
From a truly great adventure.
***
Our story starts upon a hill
Outside Spirekassle town.
Here Totalfix keeps up and cleans
A Stone of great renown.
But lo within the bushes near
There lurk a motley crew.
Armed with axes, knives and clubs
They know just what to do.
They charge upon good Totalfix
And use their clubs upon
His poor ole noggin, then - the rogues! -
They take off with the Stone!
The unsuspecting township
Is with morning chores abuzz.
But our good Pewfell stays in bed,
His tongue is green with fuzz!
It seems he had a pint or two
Too many at the Inn.
Methinks when he awakens
He'll pay dearly for that sin!
And as he sleeps the day away,
Upon a mountain high
Four mages who would speak with him
Fail, although they try.
Finally despairing of
Connecting with the wizard,
The other three send poor old Mike
Out there into the blizzard.
Meanwhile Totalfix declares
This outrage can't be borne.
The means of his deserv'd revenge?
No mighty sword - an acorn!
Pewfell greets the day at last
And, coming through the door,
Spies Kolin, whom he does not like,
And lo, begins a war!
"Pipsqueak!" he calls Gnoma
"Great big dork!" 's her answ'ring squall.
Til Tina's patience leaves her
And she makes them face the wall.
But Lady Tina's temper
Is of length and fury short.
She kisses bleary Pewfell
For his kindness and his thought.
Although the day is Valentyne's
There's no spare time for fun.
For lo, there's some emergency
And Tina has to run.
It seems there is a giant weed
In Codpeace Corp's front door
So Tina draws her mighty sword,
Prepares herself for war.
As Tina comes up closer
To the felon from the sticks
She sees to her amazement
That it's Druid Totalfix!
Our Druid's used his acorns,
Which he made for such a need
As unexpected weapons
In his war on corporate greed.
Nor does he want Tina
Interfering with his 'plines'.
He throws an acorn at her too
And now she's wrapped in vines.
While all of this is going on
Our Pewfell reads the paper.
He's not too pleased with their report
Upon the great Crwm caper.
The paper claims that he's to blame
For summ'ning Crwm from Hell.
He finds it all a little rich,
Since they can't even spell.
Among the paper's other claims,
That wizards' minds are bound
Up with their beasts. In Pewfell's case
A theory quite unsound!
Far from this domestic bliss
Our Tina's still bound tight.
Until her brooch, the Heart of Crwm
Emits a weird white light.
It burns the vines and sets her free
They're well and truly licked.
And so she grabs the druid's arm
"Old Totalfix, you're nicked!"
Pewfell finds an ancient list
At which he takes a look.
A pile of resolutions - at the top:
To write a book.
Pewfell thinks it's hardly like
He'll ever climb that hill
But when he reads the list again
He snatches up his quill!
And as in deep composing rapture
He and Peds are pubbing
Good Bish arrives with blackened eye
Poor chap, he's had a drubbing!
It was the Lady Hornbag's fault
Again! (That's no surprise)
As she appeared with warning naught
Before his startled eyes.
He threw himself upon the ground
One wonders, was it fea'r?
Or just to hide his gladness -
He was very pleased to see her!
The bingo ladies didn't share
His rapture nonetheless.
His breaking of their ball machine
Could not escape redress.
And so good Bish attained the state
In which he doth appear
With blackened eye and swollen face
Methinks he needs a beer!
But Bish's eager spirit
Is not dented, which is best.
For he's to go with Pewfell
On another epic quest.
With Fug and Pedwyn coming too
There'll be no time for rest.
They're off to see the fighting stars
Of WFF.
And so his plans all made and set
Our Pewfell staggers home.
He finds the loungeroom occupied
By more than just his gnome.
Totalfix is there
Apologising for the whim
That made him take on Codpeace Corp
But see! They diddled *him*!
They stole the Stone of Stone
(Whose name is writ in bold italic..)
And left behind the Codpeace sign,
A logo clearly phallic.
So into court our heroes go
To beat Sir Codpeace down
But who shall mount the judge's chair
Adorned with with judgely frown?
"It's Cuthpert Codpeace!" cries the brief
A-clutching at his gut.
"My planned-out case is sure to fail...
We'll tell him you're a nut."
And so the lawyer questions
Totalfix's state of mind
But in the end he finds a rope
With which the judge to bind.
"In summation, let me say
(aye now, here's the rub)
That you and I are members
Of the famed Backscratchers' Club!"
'Fix before the journo crowd
Is standing with his brief.
And as their nature prompts them
They are keen to give him grief.
"You're letting wanted men go free!"
They yell with well-used scorn.
Til Totalfix, now pushed too far,
Just quiets them with an acorn.
And as against the great vines' grip
They squirm with little hope
A shifty being to Tina gives
A shifty envelope.
Within that note a cert' address
Meets Tina's startled eyes.
It's Codpeace Towers
Written there. Indeed a great surprise!
A goblin shows bold Tina in
To where Lord Codpeace stands.
"Welcome to my home," he says
While holding out his hands.
He said he had some news about
The Stone of Stone for her.
And so she asks the nobleman
"How can you help me, sir?"
That cunning chap Lord Codpeace
Takes some money from his chest
"If you can catch those thieves, my dear,
You'll set my heart at rest.
"Old Totalfix is not alone
In suff'ring from their crime.
They broke into my warehouse,
But if you could find the time...
"To follow them to Vagus
- Oh, you'll be remunerated! -
It's clear to me that these events
Must be investigated!"
But as bold Tina leaves the house
Much richer than she came
Lord Codpeace gives a knowing grin -
Now what's his evil game?
Pewfell's having second thoughts
Upon the Vagus trip.
"Come on, mate!" says Peds with scorn
"Ye'r such a borin' drip!"
But Pewfell's mind's made up indeed
Til Tina comes to say
"We're off to Vagus, o my love,
Fix up the cart today!
"I'll see you later," then she says
And turning on her heel
Departs while Pedwyn scowls because
He lacks her sex appeal!
Soon, however, all is well,
Our heroes pack the cart.
Pewfell's in good spirits now
And can't wait to depart.
But soon his mood is black again
As Gnoma's joined the crowd.
Her constant whingeing puts the trip
Beneath a large dark cloud.
And so the cart, a-laden down
With wizard, thief and pesk,
Fighter, cleric, Fug and nut
Goes forth. How Tolkienesque!
Bish, who doth love everything,
Likes life upon the road.
But Pedwyn feels the boredom
Weighing on him like a load.
Nor does he think Bish's
Town of Prantem worth the while.
And so he yells "You boring git!"
To vent his spleen and bile.
But Bish has many hidden skills
And as they mount the ridge
Pedwyn finds to his dismay
He's lost four times at bridge.
Just when Pewfell's mind is growing
Calmer, free and easy,
Gnoma's boyfriend makes a mess
Poor chap, he's very queasy!
"Let him drive!" yells Gnoma,
In defence of her dear heart.
And so our Kolin takes the reins
But soon he's crashed the cart!
Their mode of transport gone for good,
Our heroes have no choice
But to climb the cliffs above:
"We're lost!" cries Pewfell's voice.
"Nonsense!" snaps back Gnoma,
And she gives a gnomely frown.
But Pewfell's right, for look, the map -
She reads it upside-down!
Despite the navigation
Of that certain small blue pest,
Our heroes' mountain climbing venture
May be for the best.
For down below upon the road
A band of rogues arrive.
They don't intend our friends
To leave the mountains while alive.
Pewfell and his company
Around the fire sit.
With he and Gnoma trading words
Like "road" and "kill" and "twit".
But soon the rogues arrive,
(They're bearing axes, clubs and picks)
And end the stream of "road" words -
'sLike a scene from Asterix.
And so the Great Big Fight begins
Our heroes caught at bay.
While half the group must stand and fight
Our Pewfell runs away!
In the camp, bold Gnoma talks
Unto a large grey thug.
A small green goblin with an axe
Goes chasing after Fug.
Bish his toothbrush brandishes
In bold heroic style.
Tina fights; Peds and Pewfell
Think they're free, meanwhile.
But lo a cyclops bars the way
And takes them in his arms.
Rincewind Tactic's fallible,
Despite its ob'vious charms!
Those thugs are poised to kill our friends
(Ye gods, they've got bad karma!)
Until upon the scene arrives
A Knight in Shining Armour.
And so upon their way the
Ugly ruffians are sent.
The Knight and her bold band are
Like our group, but competent!
Though Bish goes down on bended knee
In gratitude excessive,
The rest mistrust the goodly knights
For all that they're impressive.
A kind of mad philanthropy
Appears their sole intent.
Peds and Pewfell both agree
It's time the weirdos went!
But Bish insists on introductions,
So, it seems, they're caught.
He names them all but then he stops,
His brow a-twist in thought.
For while they stood distracted
And with gratitude enrapt,
Gnoma, though quite keen to go,
Was snatched up and kidnapped!
Within the camp, the others
Give their names to goodly Bish.
To civilise the Wilderness
They say's their dearest wish.
But when Peds says they're Vagus-bound
(While Bish doth scratch his head)
The missionaries consider
And make this their quest instead.
The band now swelled in numbers
Out between the mon'ments start
But Pedwyn thinks that other thoughts
Consume good Bish's heart.
"Is that elf a boy or girl?"
He wonders from behind.
But Bish seems not to care at all:
To him, why Green's a find!
Pewfell's not so keen
Upon that other wizard bloke
And when he tries Myalgic's pipe
It makes him cough and choke.
Algy comes from Prantem
Where they all played Hocklesticks.
To Pewfell, who played cricket,
They sound rather snobbish pricks!
Fug finds young Exlaxia
A most enchanting sight.
So does Pedwyn, and of course
They soon begin to fight.
But such small scuffles can't delay
Our heroes much, you know
For soon they stand upon a ridge
And see the town below.
Tina comforts Kolin:
"We'll find Gnoma here, all right!"
But Pewfell tells him "If we don't,
We won't lose sleep at night."
Our heroes find a place to stay
The night - a cheapish inn
Not the best that once could find
Within this town of sin.
At breakfast Bish is late
And Green's already left without him
He's rather sad as he was keen
To join them on their outing.
But soon he's in a better mood
When Myal mentions love -
A thing well worth encouraging
Sent from the gods above.
Things *not* worth encouraging
Bish finds upon the street
When he and Pewfell and the rest
Go out to stroll the beat.
They find a pub where Bardy's band
Is playing - could it hurt
To go in for a little while?
There's souls there to convert..
Bish, he tries his very best,
But ends upon the brink
And so he's not impressed at all
When Bardy takes his drink.
"Wicked, shameless, evil!"
Are the thoughts he airs with spleen.
He much dislikes the moral tone
Within the Vagus scene.
Myal doesn't like the tone
Of Pedwyn and of Fug.
And so he comes to Pewfell
For a whisper in his lug.
He's scared the lovely Laxi
May be lost to him - indeed!
But Bardy quiets his ranting
With a pipe containing weed.
As he partakes, our Fug and Pedwyn
Tempt young 'Laxi more.
But she believes to go along
Would make Myalgic sore.
"He's good and clean and abstinent,"
She says. "He drinketh not.
He has great will, as all men should,
A paragonly T.W.A.T!"
But soon her faith is shattered,
And her happy carefree mood
For Myal, now well-stoked with weed,
Is dancing in the nude!
There's worse to come for 'Laxi
As Myalgic starts to fly.
She hides her face within her hands
And gives an anguished cry.
"C'mon out with us!" says Peds,
"An' leave 'im to 'is pranks."
To Pewfell as they leave the pub
He gives a nod of thanks!
To keep the ston'ed Algy safe
Swears Bish, so good and true,
But when he turns around that man
Has vanished up the flue!
And so good Bish and Pewfell
Walk the streets a-looking hard.
They have no luck til Bish decides
To ask the city guard.
"Don't!" cries Pewfell and it seems
His fear is quite well-founded.
The guards say "You're from Prantem, eh!"
And have our friends surrounded.
"We're not from Prantem!" Pewfell shouts
"We don't want any hassle
We're looking for a friend of ours
We all come from Spirekassle."
But lo he's interrupted
By a nude low-flying wizard.
And at the guards' dark stare
He feels a sinking in his gizzard.
Meanwhile Kolin walks the streets
A most unhappy wight.
Until he spies within a shop..
It's Gnoma there all right!
He rushes to the window
As the goblin grabs her arm.
He follows as it drags her home
Lest (no!) she come to harm.
Gnoma isn't harmed, it seems,
But rather, quite put out.
She's not too keen on being dragged
And kicked and lugged about.
And so she sits upon the floor
And wears a gnomely pout.
"I never should've got involved
With that old goblin lout!"
Soon she hears a knocking
At the door and shouts "Begone!"
But lo it's fuming Kolin
And that man's near off his scone.
He kicks the door and they depart
He hopes they'll now be wed
But Gnoma has a plan
To be a Showgirl Gnome instead.
Bish and Pewfell meanwhile
Are a-running from the cops.
Good Algy has a cunning plan
He thinks is simply tops.
He makes them climb a ladder
Up a steep grey mountain's side.
But at the top our heroes find
It's just a funfair ride.
Algy goes a-sliding down the slide
And in his wake
Come Bish and Pewfell fully clad
Towards the landing lake.
Algy thinks they won't be caught
From off that slide so wet.
But he's quite wrong for lo,
The cops are waiting with a net!
Back into that cheap hotel
Come Tina and her crew.
They're at a loss and so they sit
And wonder what to do.
And as they sit, young Kolin
In a right state rushes in.
He indicates that they should come
With barks, like Rin Tin Tin.
He leads them to the trailer
Where the goblin doth reside
They're looking through the goblin's things
But soon they have to hide.
The goblin and his four-armed friend
Come in to get their dough
And mutt'ring 'bout young Gnoma
Pick it up, and off they go.
Tonsil, Green and Tina trail the thugs
Who do not see 'em.
They're bearing that great sack of gold
Into the Colosseum.
They bet it all and in they go,
Our heroes try to follow.
But Green and Tonsil find their pockets
Strangely rather hollow.
Tina sighs and pays the price.
The Prantem pair's surprise
That Vagus harbours pickpockets
Just makes her roll her eyes.
Pedwyn has no trouble,
He shows 'Laxi with a grin
He has a multitude of bags
To keep his money in!
Fug has money too, but much less luck,
Which is quite bad.
The one-armed bandit's robbery
Has made him really mad.
He smashes it with boiling rage
"That's great!" yells 'Laxi, "Tops!"
But Fug and Pedwyn do a whizz
And leave her to the cops!
Fug is calm until he learns
Young 'Laxi's left behind
He bangs his head against the wall
But Pedwyn doesn't mind.
"What a waste o' time," he says
"I wish we'd never seen 'er,
But if you'll fight, we'll
Make our money back in the arena!"
The little fishes meanwhile
Are imprisoned underground
While Bish and Pewfell mutter
Algy's sleeping, nude and sound.
Suddenly the door is opened,
Mike is cast inside.
He spies the puzzled Pewfell
And his joy he does not hide.
But happiness is shortly-lived,
They're destined for the ring.
And so they find themselves
Beneath the shadow of a *thing*!
Tina and her crew
Within the audience espy
Something they'd not thought to see
"Oh, look!" is Tina's cry.
There upon the sandy ground
Stand Pewfell, Bish and co.
And towering above them,
A ferocious beast - oh no!
"Quick!" says Mike to Pewfell
"Cast a spell, we'll all be free!"
But Pewfell looks quite blankly back:
"You're sure that you mean me?"
"Yes!" says Mike. Says Pewfell:
"It's been ages since I tried."
"Now!" yells Mike,
Its power will be greatly magnified."
Pewfell sighs and calls:
His cat's now standing at his side.
But then the Thing is conquered by
A squalling feline tide!
Our heroes now triumphant
Are return'ed to their cell
And Mike explains to Pewfell
He's a channeler - all's well.
And as they sit and wonder
How this truth may set them free
Tina kicks the door down:
"Quickly, chaps, now come with me!"
They split their group to 'scape the guards
And Pewfell's band espy
A seedy bar with ladies (nude)
So in the door they fly.
But as they sit and hope they've
Beat the guards and got away,
Across the stage comes Gnoma
With her boosies on display!
She spots them and alerts the guard
Who grabs each with a hand.
Green and Tonsil, baffled once again,
Don't understand.
Meanwhile Pewfell, quicker on the uptake's
Fled the scene
He watches all the others
From behind a curtain screen.
But Gnoma knows he's missing,
So he's not yet free from strife.
She doesn't want him coming there
And rooning her new life!
He dodges her and gets away,
Says Tina "Welcome back."
Bish plans a raid, but Tina
Quickly gets them back on track.
Kolin's minding seats for them
(Of course the job he'd cop!)
He's squeezed between two beasties
Out of Henson's Creature Shop!
Meanwhile in the ring is Fug
A-beating up his foes.
And as he brings each fighter down,
His stature grows and grows.
Until at last he meets a man
Most hairy and quite small.
Pewfell says good luck,
But Fug will need it not at all!
Or so they think until ol' Harry
Swells with righteous rage
He's now on par in size with Fug
And ready to engage.
Meanwhile at the ringside
Pewfell finds it's just not funny
Coz blimmin' Pedwyn's bet on Fug to win
With all their money!
Pedwyn doesn't get it
And the problem's got him beat
Til Tina shouts "Hey! Look up there!
"They're helping Harry cheat!"
Sure enough, those nasty thugs
Are up there with the Stone.
Pedwyn says "If you don't come,
I'll go up there alone!"
"Not a chance!" cries Tina
And our heroes move as one
Into the stands, whereon
they tell the thugs: "Your game is done!"
"Cheating lowlife!" Tina yells,
And grabs the goblin sod's fleece.
Until she hears a well-known voice -
That phallic cad, Lord Codpeace!
Codpeace gloats and draws his sword,
With Tina starts to fence.
He's a master, so is she,
The battle's quite intense.
Meanwhile Pewfell, Peds and all
Can't reach the Stone and so
Fug's still like to lose the fight
Within the ring below.
Until there is a loud *ahem*
And lo, they turn to see
The Lady Hornia: with Codpeace
Most displeased is she!
Being most irate, she plans
To send him to his doom,
Until he cries "My Lady, wait!
I have the Heart of Crwm!"
Meanwhile, Peds proposes,
Bish and Tina offer violence,
Til Pewfell, having much more sense,
A-muffles them to silence.
Our heroes now are free to go
And all are feeling well.
But Bish doth wonder,
Ye good Prantem group: what fate befell?
A tragic one, for in the ring,
That dreadful beast's not beaten
This poet's not too pleased to see
Good Bish's friends bein' eaten!
But all good things much reach a close
And so 'tis with this pome.
For now we know that lady demon
Has the Stone of Stone.
* * * * *
As one chapter closes,
So another must begin.
Our friends approach the Eastern Saucer,
Snow is setting in.
Pewfell needs to know his purpose:
Mike this subject's breaching...
But lo, he mentions worlds and gods
And Bish commences preaching!
Having said his two cents' worth
He trots off through the snow
For where there's Godly Pamphlets
There will ne'er be heathens, no!
Mike describes, and then points out
The source of magic power.
Pedwyn's mind is quite amused
By that old *er-hem!* tower.
Into that rude architecture
So our heroes come.
They meet the ancient wizards there,
Whose setup's rather rum.
Great Greg-El explains to Pewfell
How it's down to Crwm
That all the world is on the path
To death and roon and doom...
But lo, he says, it's not all lost
For Pewfell is the key
And Channelling to save the world
Must be his Destiny.
As Pewfell takes th'instructions,
Guilt engulfs him like a pool
For lo, the most important part's
A certain big fat jewel.
"I haven't got the Heart of Crwm,"
He says, with sinking gizzard.
And Greg-El says to Fairfax:
"What a bloody useless wizard!"
As punishment for being useless
This is Pewfell's quest:
To snatch the Heart of Crwm away
From Hornia's dark red breast.
Deep within the Scraper crags
Our heroes find her lair.
Pewfell gets right nervous
As he sees the castle there.
But breaking in't the castle's
Not as easy as it seems
For lo the ground before it
With a goblin army teems.
Bish will gladly charge the throng
(That brave foolhardy chap!)
Until Mike points out:
There's a secret entrance on his map.
The secret entrance lets them dodge the goblins, true,
But still...
Getting to the doorway takes some
Acrobatic skill.
Once inside it's black as pitch
And Pedwyn says to Fug
"I need a torch: I've stepped on somethin'...
Yuk, a giant bug!"
While Tina and the others are
A-dealing with their foe,
A grumbling goblin comes downstairs
But quickly turns to go.
Fug and Bish, in righteous rage
Pursue the hapless bitch an'
Suddenly they find themselves
In Lady Hornia's kitchen.
Bish is in his element
Where evil scum are found
And so he bangs and clangs and sings
And swings his mace around.
Finally, with all the goblins vanquished,
Ends the riot.
And Pewfell says to Bish
"You nong! We're *trying* to be quiet!"
The din seems not to've called the guards
By chance, in any case,
And so our heroes spiral up
A windy stone staircase.
Pedwyn's in a sulky mood,
He's getting little pleasure
From this adventure, coz
Those blimmin' goblins 'ad no treasure!
At the top of that stone staircase
Our bold heroes caref'lly peek
From behind a row of barrels
And espy there what they seek.
The Stone of Stone and other stones
Like common retail goods
Are loaded on to dragons
By some strange green men in hoods.
"This is dreadful!" Mike exclaims
In wrinkle-browed frustration.
"Now that Hornia has these things
Her goal's world domination!"
But Mike's a quite resourceful chap
And worries not for long
He has a secret castle map:
With that they can't go wrong.
Bish thinks bold cartographers
Once snuck around in here
To make the map, but Mike says no,
It's just a souvenir.
With that map they reach a bridge
Albeit with no troll.
Pewfell finds it's still not safe
By falling down a hole.
Having crossed the trolless bridge
Our heroes find a room
In which from shadows ominous
Depraved devices loom.
Tina spots a parrot cage,
Which seems a rather odd piece
To find inside a dungeon,
But behold! Inside's Lord Codpeace!
"Set me free, I beg of you,"
Lord Codpeace doth implore.
"Leave me not within this place
Confined like some cheap whore!"
Pewfell's all in favour, true,
Of leaving him to rot.
So when Bish says "Let's free him,"
Pewfell cries "No! You will not!"
Until: "I know where Hornia's treasure is!"
He says, "No trick!"
"Peds," says Pewfell,
"Get that cage door open, mate, and quick!"
"Oi!" yells Tina, grabbing
Pewfell's shoulder as he goes.
"We're here to save the world, remember:
You stay on your toes!"
Having cowed poor Pewfell,
Tina turns with warning cough
"That goes for you, too, Peds,"
She says, "So don't go sneaking off!"
She's far too late, alas,
That chap's already flown the coop:
He and Fug, enticed by Codpeace
Now have left the group.
Mike and Tina go to track
Those errant bandits down.
"Pewfell, now you stay right there,"
Says Tina with a frown.
Bish doth not approve
Of Pewfell's habits, right and certain.
As he lectures, Pewfell peeks
Behind a thick red curtain.
"Gads!" he says: the Heart of Crwm
Upon the table stands.
Well within the reach
Of our good heroes' loving hands.
Before they can abduct the jewel
Queen Hornia comes inside
Mutt'ring 'bout dumb goblins:
Bish and Pewfell have to hide!
Meanwhile Fug and Pedwyn
In the treasure dance with glee.
While sneaky Codpeace watches,
They shout "Yes! We're rich! Yippee!"
But old Lord C cannot be trusted
Inches, much less yards.
For while they play that nasty man
Has called the castle guards!
Fug and Pedwyn aren't so soft
And match swords with the thugs.
Or Pedwyn does at least:
The choice of fists for weapon's Fug's.
But finally our heroes run
Across the bridge (no troll)
And look, there's poor Lord Codpeace
Fallen into Pewfell's hole!
Fug and Pedwyn just run on,
Escaping bein' impounded.
Until they reach a crossroads:
"Bloody 'ell!" says Peds. "Surrounded!"
They won't give in, however:
Pedwyn swings a bold passado,
Refuses Tina's offered help
With typ'cal male bravado.
Hornia within the jewel room
Tells the Chaos Lords
"All is now in readinesss,
Ssso take ye up your sswordss."
She tells them how their having
Stones and Heart of Crwm'll enable
Their taking of the world,
And then she reaches 'neath the table...
"I'll need you too, young Pewfell,"
Then she says: "I'll kill you after."
Pewfell tries to reason:
Her reply is evil laughter.
She starts to drag him to his doom
The atmosphere grows tenser...
But from the drapes steps noble Bish
With Hornbag's holy censer!
"By mine vow of chastity," he cries
"Release mine friend!"
So Hornia grabs him too -
We wonder: how will this all end??
"Bloody hell!" says Pewfell.
Bish says: "Fear not, my friend, lest you
Lose all hope. Our friends art surely
Rushing to our rescue."
Sure enough, they're trying,
Seems they're on a run of luck.
Until a horde confronts them
As they cross the bridge: they're stuck!
Bish and Pewfell's dragon, meanwhile,
Has begun to fly
He takes them to a mighty mountain
Thrusting to the sky.
Hornia on the dragon's neck
Laughs and says "Look there!"
That's the place we're bound:
The mighty peak of Barad-der.
Despite it being made of stone
And cast in colours leaden,
Bharad-der's the kind of thing
That's greatly loved by Pedwyn.
The demoness commands a door to open,
Soon they land.
Then she makes poor Bish and Pewfell
Cart the Stone by hand.
Soon they're in a little room:
The Great Stone El'va-tor.
It takes them down an endless shaft
Into the planet's core.
Once within they find a place
That's half brain, half machine.
To Bish and Pewfell, it's the strangest thing
They've ever seen.
On they go and reach at last
The source of all the magic.
Here the demon plans for them
To meet an end quite tragic.
"Ssstrap the virgin to the ssstone,"
She says, as klaxons sound.
"We need to ssacrifice him now.
And ssso he musst be bound."
(And at this point, it must be said,
The poet sees a way
That our fine chaps could thwart
The Lady Hornia's plans (hooray!)
(If what she need's a virgin
And she has there only one,
If Bish and Pewfell get it on
Why then there will be none!)
Bish is busy praying,
Pewfell tells him: "Run away!"
But when that chap gets on his knees
He's like to stay all day.
Hornia with her arms then holds him
Incapacitated,
Brings to bear her *other* mouth...
Poor Bish! Decapitated!
"Damn you, witch!" yells Pewfell,
"Why, you'll pay for this hereafter!"
But Hornia just explodes again with
Heartless evil laughter.
"That'ss enough of that," she says then,
"Time iss getting lean."
She grabs our Pewfell, coupling him
Up with the great Machine.
The Heart of Crwm goes in the slot
Through which the magic flows.
This diverts its course and now
Through Pewfell it all goes.
"Now," says Hornia, "you recite the spell
And then you'll ssee,
When the magic comes back down
T'will all go into me."
Trouble is, our Pewfell
Doesn't know that spell, and so
Hornia gets quite agitated,
Fuming fit to blow.
As he tries to learn the spell
To rectify the whole mess
Hornia gives an angry hiss,
For lo, it's Bish's Goddess!
"Stop your evil game right now!"
Cries Hornbag, huge in size,
But Hornia grows to match her,
What a nasty, cruel surprise!
"So," says Lady Hornbag,
"You may match my size, but see:
I have all the other gods
In spirit backing me!"
Hornia turns to Pewfell:
"Thiss is all your fault, you twat!"
Pewfell sighs and says "What's new?
I get that quite a lot."
"Very well," says Hornia,
"But I'll come back. When I do,
Just be sure, young Pewfell,
I'll be coming after you!"
"Is she gone?" asks Pewfell
"Yes," says Hornbag, looking round.
Pewfell points to Bish's body
Lying on the ground.
"Bish is dead," he growls,
Says Lady Hornbag: "Well, I hope not,
He's quite resilient, being as he is
A kind of robot."
"What the Hell is going on?"
Cries Pewfell with a wail.
"Very well," she says then,
"Listen up: it's quite a tale.
"Our planet is a starship
On a voyage through outer space,
This tower at its apex,
Mighty engines at its base."
Pewfell gives his thoughts on this,
And here they are in brief:
"Bugger that!" is what he says
In utter disbelief.
Hornbag says "It's true indeed,"
As Pewfell sits entranced.
"The early people of this world
Were vastly more advanced.
"Their greed, it brought the world to roon,
The wealthy hid in pods,
Linked up all their consciousnesses,
Then created gods.
"We the gods then aimed to help,
We thought at last we'd won
When our people made machines
Clean-powered by the sun.
"But then it 'came apparent
We were sucking dry that sun
And so we had to up and leave
And find ourselves a new one."
Hornbag then shows Pewfell
How the whole kaboodle works.
(Calling up big diagrams
Is one of godhood's perks)
"Magic is created
By our planet's trip through space?"
Pewfell asks then, consternation
Writ large on his face.
"How's it all controlled?"
Says Hornbag: "Bloody great big stones."
Pewfell sits on something round
To rest his weary bones.
"*I* have never seen them,"
He insists (it's awfully rum!)
"Yes you have," says Hornbag,
"Why, there's one beneath your bum!"
"Doesn't sound too smart to me,"
Says Pewfell, brow atwist.
But of the ways it's all controlled
Our Hornbag gives a list.
"Oh all right," says Pewfell
As he views the chart once more.
"Can we just get on and save the world?
It's such a bore."
"Very well," says Hornbag,
Pewfell's plugged in, says the spell.
Then he finds he's suddenly
The whole world! Bloody hell!
"Steer away from that black hole,"
Points Hornbag. "We'll fall in."
But Pewfell's more concerned
With all the people on his skin!
"Now we're safe again,"
The goddess tells him. "Disengage."
But Pewfell doesn't want to:
He's a planetary mage.
Finally he disconnects
And Hornbag says "We're done.
Now off you go: my Bish will lead you
Back up to the sun."
Bish is physc'lly well again
Since Hornbag fixed his ticker.
But mentally it seems he's off
Partaking with the vicar.
Our camera finds the surface now
Where Peds and Tina sit:
"Let's go back to Vagus,
I don' like this waitin' bit."
"No, we wait til Bish and Pewfell come,"
Says Tina. Then
Who should climb out from the rocks
But those two very men?
Pewfell tells an epic tale
Of horny lady gods
Who couldn't keep their hands off him
Why, what a load of cods!
Bish meanwhile greets Pedwyn,
Which startles him somewhat.
It's clear that chap is not all there -
Thinks Pedwyn: "What a twat!"
"There you are," says Mike,
"And did you manage not to stuff
The whole thing up?" Pewfell
Feels that this is rather rough.
He makes Mike think he lost
The Heart of Crwm along the road..
"If you didn't press Reset," 'torts Mike,
"The world'll explode."
Jesting done, old Mike is off
Our friends are left alone
With only his instructions
To return the Stone of Stone.
All the rocks must be put back
To stop the end bein' tragic
Because, remember, they
Are what's controlling all the magic.
Thus it is that Pedwyn
While its weight with Bish doth share
Comes to ask that chap what's happened:
Why's he not all there?
Whereon Bish cries "I'm reborn!"
And tearing off his cloze,
Praises Hornbag to the skies,
Off o'er the hills he goes!
Peds and Pewfell stand and call
But Bish can't be unearthed.
He's out of earshot, being still convinced
He's been rebirthed.
"E'll come back," says Pedwyn,
"Stupid git, when 'e gets hungry."
But will he? We can see him dining there
On fruits and fungi!
Peds, no longer having Bish,
Takes Fug up by the feet,
Drags that chap along the ground,
The set-up's rather neat:
On his chest the Stone doth sit,
Peds pulls him like a sled.
But fear not, for he'll not object -
He's sleeping like the dead.
Finally our heroes mount a hill
And there they see
Good ole Druid Totalfix
A-seat beneath a tree.
"Ach! Me stone!" cries Totalfix
And hugs it to his chest.
"That's the end of that," says Pewfell.
"No more epic quest."
Tina, though, is asking 'Fix,
"Marauders in the woods?
Of course we'll go and check it out
As heroes, we're the goods."
"No!" whines Pewfell. "Not again!"
But no-one lends an ear
And so he's left alone
In his frustration and his fear.
Tina looks around in what poor light
The woods'll grant 'em.
Then come charging down on them
Those goodly knights from Prantem!
But what a change is wroughten here
Both terrible and sad
Their 'ventures since they left our friends
Have sent them all quite mad.
"Hah! It's you!" cries Green
As Pewfell cowers in confusion.
"Thanks to you, of human nature
Now we've no illusion.
"And since our education's down to you
It seems quite plain,
The best way to repay you
Is with torture, fear and pain."
Pedwyn, quite oblivious,
Greets 'Laxi with a smile
But she's not falling this time
For his sneaky roguish guile.
"There's your doom!" she cries
And it's that beast from the arena.
But even worse - there on his back
Sits Gnoma like a queen - ugh!
"What d'you think you're playing at?"
Yells Pewfell, rightly ired.
"I'm going to destroy you," Gnoma snarls:
"You got me fired.
"I would've stayed a dancer
If you hadn't come along
And buggered my career right up,
You bloody stupid nong.
"Splorko's from the colosseum,
That's where he met me.
The knights were in his belly -
Sort of 'buy one, get four free'."
"Right then," Pewfell snarls, "that's it!
You see, I've had enough!"
He starts a mighty fireball -
Alas, it just goes puff.
"Jolly good," snarls Gnoma,
"It's the end for you, old chum!"
Green and co advance with swords,
The outlook's rather glum.
Until there comes a mighty roar
And Green and his/her crew
Turn to see O'Shoggy of the woods
And vile Mildew!
"Run away!" they cry, and flee
As Shoggy, jaws agape,
Helps Tina chase the knights away,
But Gnoma won't escape.
Pewfell grabs our favourite small blue pest
And holds her tight.
She looks upon O'Shoggy and the
Mildew Man in fright.
But then O'Shoggy lifts his mask -
A cause for fear? Why, pish!
Reveale'd to our friends' delighted eyes
Is goodly Bish.
Glory be - this poet's overjoyed,
Need more be said?
For seems that noble chap is now
Quite cured in the head.
You'll never guess, though, who it was
That made him once more whole an'
So I'll tell you - no great doctor -
Just our old friend Kolin!
There you are - the end is nigh,
Our friends all reunited
Beneath the sky, that in the dusk
A purple shade is lighted.
The mighty Stone of Stone
Is in good hands again and so
Pewfell's work is done - it seems
Back home he's free to go.
From his questing comrades
Sighs of satisfaction spring.
But Pewfell's only grateful
That he's finished the damn thing.
Poem Page 1 - Page
2 - Page 3
Merryn Brand
Creator of 'Pantheon'
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